Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
