Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize