The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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