My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize