kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
