Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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