proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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