I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So I just went to clothing optional bar
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
