Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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