So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize