Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
