I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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