i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
