Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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