Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
