then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
