3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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