Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
