Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
