The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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