FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
