I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize