You're a womanizer and a bitch.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
We have started to decorate penises.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
