your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
