His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
