i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
