we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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