I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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