I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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