theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
