so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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