My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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