I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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