I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
