When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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