Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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