Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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