some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
