Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I want to fling myself into the sun
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
