We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
