have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
