she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
