Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
