you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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