I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
