Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize