I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
