Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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