I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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