i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
