I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
