I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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