I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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