They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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