Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize