When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
