Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
